Title: Confessional

Author: tiemeinbows

Rating: TEEN/PG-13

Disclaimer: If I owned the show, there would be no reason for this story to exist.

Summary: A one-shot Isabel POV, set over the summer between Season 2 and Season 3, when Isabel decides to move on.

Author's Note: Many thanks to both [profile] anniepoo98 and [profile] etqd for looking this over for me.




Confessional





I don’t believe in soul mates.

You’d think I did, if you knew anything about my brother.  Max, and his perfect Liz, who love each other even when they hate each other.  Even when they’re doing everything they can to hurt each other.  Because they’re soul mates.  Right?

I don’t think so.  I think they just got lucky.  Really, really lucky.

I’m not so lucky.  The only people I have ever loved with a true passion have been Max and Michael, my brothers.  Well, that’s not exactly true.  I love my mother and father.  They are everything to me.  But Max and Michael… they’re my home.  If I lost my entire world and was left with only Max and Michael, I think I could survive.  It’s happened once before, after all, didn’t it?

Not that I haven’t loved other people.  Actually, despite what people say about me, I fall in love pretty easily.  Well, I don’t know about love.  But I care about a lot of people.  Even Liz and Maria… I may not know how to talk to them, or even get along with them very well, but when I see how happy they’ve made Max and Michael… how much better knowing them has made all of our lives, I have to be grateful for them.

The truth is, I’ve always a little been jealous of them.  Max and Liz, Michael and Maria.  It’s been so easy for them to love each other.  Even Michael, who used to think he’d never trust anyone but Max and me.  Look at him now.  And Max.  Liz Parker brought him to life.  Even when things are hard for them, everyone knows they’ll end up happy together.  They’re like four pieces of this puzzle that fits together so perfectly.  And there’s not any room left for me in the mix.

I know what you’re going to say.  Alex.  Wasn’t he my missing puzzle piece?  Weren’t he and I made for each other?

Apparently not.  In fact, Alex is exactly the reason that I don’t believe in soul mates at all.  Because you know what?  I never gave a thought to Alex Whitman before that night, when I slipped into his dream, the night I realized that he could care for my true self, that he didn’t just think I was some hot chick.  If there were such a thing as soul mates, and Alex was my soul mate, it never would have taken that much for me to have noticed him.  I would have been watching him forever, just like Max and Liz.  I wouldn’t have run from him when he tried to love me.

And no, I don’t think there’s someone else out there better off for me.  I know that no one will understand me the way Alex did, mostly because I know that I will never open myself up to anyone else in the same way that I opened myself up to him.

And yeah, I did open myself up to him.  I’m sure some people don’t believe that.  Some people will never believe that I cared for Alex as much as he cared for me.  Maybe I didn’t.  But I loved him.  I can’t explain it.  I know that I was terrible to him most of the time, that I treated him like crap.  It wasn’t because I didn’t love him, though.  I just didn’t know how to love him.  I didn’t know how to appreciate him.

And no matter what I did, no matter how much I cared about him, I was still lonely.  That’s been the crux of my guilt since he died, that even when Alex was with me, even when I knew he loved me, I was lonely.  I won’t say that it was because Alex just wasn’t enough.  I refuse to believe that, but somehow, it was still true.

What I didn’t realize until too late, though, was that I was even more lonely without him.

And it may be wrong, it may make me a horrible person, but I’m sick of being lonely.  I’m eighteen.  I’m too young to be alone for the rest of my life.  And I don’t want to be.  And now I know that I won’t be.

You have to understand.

Growing up, people always told me I should be a model, and I told them that was what I wanted, but it never was.  All I’ve ever wanted for myself, really, was a normal life.  To grow up, get married, have kids.  I wanted to be like my mother, a hero in my eyes, and someone who’s always been there for me.  At least, when I allowed her to be.  She was everything to me growing up, and I hoped someday to be like that for my own children.  I can’t tell you how much I want to have children someday, even though, let’s face it, I don’t even know if it’s physically possible.

What I’m trying to say is that those dreams, those aspirations… they didn’t die just because someone I loved did.  I wanted those things for myself long before I ever wanted Alex.  To be honest, and some of you won’t forgive me for this, but I don’t know if I ever wanted him, really.  But there were moments, when I needed him.  There are moments when I still need him.

And I know if Alex were here, he’d tell me to take things slow, that everything would work itself out eventually.  But what if there isn’t an eventually?  I always knew Alex and I would be together eventually, but eventually turned out to be too late.

I don’t want to be too late ever again.  I don’t want to waste my life asking too many questions and cutting my feelings off so that I can play things safe.  Life is short, even when you think your brother’s special powers can protect you from anything.  Because obviously, sometimes they can’t.

That’s a scary idea to have to get used to.

Alex’s death was the first time I ever even imagined that something so… permanent could happen to any of us.  I guess when you’re a reincarnation of alien royalty, you have trouble believing that you can die.  But we can die.  Zan was just like Max, and he died.  For all we know so did Lonnie and Rath.  And we still have enemies out there.  Khivar is still out there, and he wants me.  Not Max, not Michael, me.

So maybe you can understand a little bit of why I’m so worried about living my life while I can, because the truth is, I could die at any moment.  Anyone could, so why not me?  It wouldn’t even have to be Khivar.  It could be anything.  Liz was shot.  Michael and Kyle have both been shot.  Alex… well, he could just as easily have died in that car crash.

What I’m trying to say, is that I can’t die yet.  I haven’t even started living.  I always thought that someday it would be safe.  Someday things would be normal.  But “someday” never comes.  And I can’t risk losing now, when now is all I have.

Even in respect for Alex.

The truth is, he would want me to be happy.  I think that’s all he ever wanted for me.  He’s been taken away from me, so I can’t be happy with him anymore, that’s out of my hands.  But he would still want me happy with someone.

And I think I’ve met… someone.

Someone who won’t judge me for a past I can’t control.  Who looks at me and sees a good person.  Sees me.  Isabel Evans, 4.0 graduate who spends her weekends volunteering at the community center.  Not Vilandra, traitor to the Royal family of a planet she doesn’t even remember.  Not even the Ice Princess of West Roswell High.  Just a girl.  Just a pretty, small-town girl who’s seen her share of heartache.

He wants to love me, and he’s only the second man I’ve ever met who really wanted to love me.  I can’t just give that up.

I think, if I talked to Alex, he would even understand why I’m doing this.  Alex really did understand me better than anyone, you see.  Even if he didn’t fully approve, he would understand.

And I think that wherever he is, he knows that in a way, I’m doing all of this for him.  He lost his life, and he would want me to live mine.  I plan on doing it, in his memory.

I think, in the least, I owe him that much.


The End.



I don't think I'll get in the habit of posting my fics here, but since this is a one-shot I thought I might as well.  If you'd rather read it on RF, it's here.
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